“Domestic Violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion, that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partners.”

-Warshaw, Carole, and Anne L. Ganley, Improving the Health Care Response to Domestic Violence: A Resource Manual for Health Care Providers (San Francisco: The Family Violence Prevention Fund, 19

Domestic Violence Statistics

IN CHICAGO…
· In 1996 the Chicago Police Department responded to 239,188 domestic violence related calls for service. This reflects an average of 655 calls a day. (Assessment of the Current Response to Domestic Violence in Chicago, 1997)

· In 1996 there were 70 domestic violence homicides, which represents an increase over the 62 domestic homicides reported in 1995. (Assessment of the Current Response to Domestic Violence in Chicago, 1997)

· According to a Chicago Department of Public Health survey, over a third of women had been physically abused at least once in their lives and 19% had been physically abused within the last year. (Chicago Department of Public Health, The Prevalence of Domestic Violence Among Women Attending Chicago Department of Public Health Clinics, 1995)

NATIONALLY…
· Every 9 seconds a woman in the United States is beaten by her husband, boyfriend, or live in partner (The Commonwealth Fund, First Comprehensive National Health Survey of American Women, 1993)

· Women are more often victims of domestic violence than of burglary, muggings, or other physical assaults (assault, rape) combined. (The Commonwealth Fund, First Comprehensive National Health Survey of American Women, 1993)

· Research indicates that 22 to 35% of women who visit medical emergency rooms are there for injuries related to on-going abuse. (Journal of American Medical Association, 1990)

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WARNING…Are You in a Violent Relationship?
It’s important to realize that no relationship is perfect; they all have their problems. But if the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, you may be in a violent relationship.

· Do you feel like you don’t have any power in your relationship?
· Are you afraid of your partner’s temper?
· Are you afraid to disagree with your partner?
· Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior?
· Are you being put-down by your partner and then being told that they love you?
· Are you being told not to see your friends and family?
· Are you being forced or pressured to have sex?
· Are you afraid to say “No” to sex?
· Are you afraid to break up?
· Is your partner saying they can’t live without you?
· Is your partner jealous and possessive towards you?
· Does your partner try to control you?
· Does your partner blame you when they mistreat you?
· Have your family and/or friends warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety?
· Has your partner hit, kicked or shoved you or thrown things at you?
· Have you been wrongly accused of flirting or having sex with someone else?
· Do you feel like you can’t do anything without your partner’s permission?
· Does your partner tell you they want you all to themselves and not let you do anything on your own?

If you answered, “Yes” to these questions, help is available.
Please contact Neopolitan Lighthouse at (773) 722-0005 .

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Societal Myths and Misconceptions

Myth: Domestic Violence is a family or private matter.
Fact: Domestic violence is a crime against the victim and against society.

Myth: Domestic violence occurs in lower socioeconomic groups.
Fact: Domestic violence occurs in all socioeconomic groups.

Myth: Alcohol and drug abuse cause domestic violence.
Fact: Alcohol and drug use do not cause violent behavior; they can make violent episodes more severe.

Myth: The incidence of domestic violence is overstated. It is not that much of a problem.
Fact: Regardless of the exact statistics, domestic violence is a significant problem in the United States.

Myth: The assault is an isolated incident, unlikely to happen again.
Fact: Battering is part of a complex pattern of power and control.

Myth: Domestic violence is merely “a push and a shove.”
Fact: Batterers engage in countless forms of violence including emotional, physical and sexual.

Myth: If the victim left the batterer, the violence would stop.
Fact: Most victims are in greater danger of increased violence after they leave the abuser.

Myth: The victim enjoys the abuse. If the victim didn’t enjoy it, he or she would leave the abuser.
Fact: No one enjoys being beaten.

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Compelling Reasons that Keep People in Abusive Relationships

The one question our culture generally asks of victims/survivors of domestic abuse is: “Why do/did you stay in an abusive relationship?” Sometimes the question is meant as an honest inquiry, though at other times it is spoken with an undercurrent of hostility or disbelief, (e.g.: “It couldn’t have been that bad, you must have liked it,” or “If you really wanted to leave, you would have.” )

The following list is a composite of views from men and women who have invited us into their lives and helped us to answer the question: “What keeps people in abusive relationships?”

Fear of Partner’s Actions:
· He’ll threaten to leave me.
· He said he’ll “Hunt me down and kill me.”
· He’ll kidnap the children and disappear.
· He will spread horrible rumors about me.
· I will never be safe, I might as well live with him.
· She’ll “out” me at work or to my family.

Effects of Abuse:
· Depression.
· Feelings of immobility.
· Can’t face making decisions.
· I was brainwashed to believe I couldn’t cope without him.
· I am so used to life being this way.
· I have no other real choices or options.

Roles the Culture Forces on People:
1. Guilt
· I will ruin his life if I leave.
· He will have nowhere to go.
· She’ll lose her job if I report this.
· He’ll start drinking again.
· I will disappoint my family.
· I can’t admit that my relationship is a failure.
· I have to take care of him.
· She wouldn’t hurt me if I was better at keeping the house up.

2. Economic Dependence
· He has all the money.
· I’ve never had a good job, how would I take care of my kids alone?
· It’s better to be beaten up at home than to be out on the street.
· I’d rather die than be on welfare.

3. Our Subordination
· He keeps me together; I’ll fall apart if I leave.
· I have to have a man by my side.
· People will call me a slut, a whore, or sleazy.
· I’ll be an old maid.
· I am afraid to be on my own.
· Who will protect me?
· Everyone is coupled. I need to be in a relationship.
· He gives me a sense of security.
· A “white knight” will come and rescue me if I just wait.
· I fear that I’ll never be in a relationship again.
· I don’t want to be a “divorced woman.”
· Not enough men out there, I’d better stay.
· If something happened to me, who would know? Or care?

The Children:
· My children will blame me and resent me.
· The kids need a father.
· Children need a “real family.”
· I’m unwilling to give up on the “House with a white picket fence, 2.2 perfect children” dream.
· He will steal the children.
· He will report me to the Department of Children and Family Services
· He will turn the children against me.
· Sons need male role models.
· She is the biological mother; I have no legal rights.

Isolation:
· He doesn’t let me out of the house; I don’t even have any friends to call for help.
· If I ever tell anyone about this, he’ll kill me.
· My sister said I couldn’t come stay with her, anymore, after the last time…
· He said he’d teach Helen a lesson if I went over there again.

Personal History:
· My father beat my mom – it just goes with being in a relationship.
· Getting hit isn’t the worst thing that can happen in a family – I know of worse things…

Love and Hope:
· I keep hoping he’ll change.
· I believe him when he keeps saying that it will never happen again.
· I don’t want to give up the good times.
· She promised she’d go into therapy.
· Sex and intimacy.
· My marriage vows.
· My religion.
· I love him.

Note: Not all of these reasons are found in each case. A combination of some of them can often be found and can be compelling enough to keep a person in the relationship. It is important to offer support to those who are victims of domestic violence, so they will be able to break the cycle of violence.

HOW DO CHILDREN FEEL ABOUT FAMILY VIOLENCE?

All children are affected in some way by family violence. Even if they have not seen the violence or they have not been physically hurt themselves, they FEEL what is going on.

Feelings That Children Experience

Scared
I lie in bed feeling scared. I can hear them fighting in the next room, and it’s getting louder and louder. I’m just waiting until I hear the smack of his hand, and my mom’s cries. I hear it again and again. I put the pillow over my head. I want to run away.

Guilty
If me and my sister, Jenny didn’t fight so much, then Dad wouldn‘t fight with Mom because Mom tells us to be quiet, so it must be us who set him off. It’s our fault.

Protective
I tried to stop my dad from kicking Mom by kicking him. I didn’t really want to hurt him. I love Dad, but I just want him to stop hurting Mom.

Ambivalent
I love Daddy – he’s fun to be with, he calls me his “special girl,” but he scares me when he hits and yells at Mommy. I sometimes hate him for hurting her so much and making her cry.

Taking care of Everyone
Mommy and Daddy had a terrible fight last night. I know what I can do. I’ll make breakfast for my little brother and straighten up the house before I go to school, so at least Mommy won’t have to worry about that.

Ashamed
I don’t want anybody to know what’s going on in my house, so I don’t bring my friends here. I go to their houses where people don’t yell and scream all the time.

Unable to Concentrate
I’m failing in school. I keep wondering what’s going on at home, and wondering what will happen tonight when Daddy comes back. I can’t keep my mind on much anymore, and I don’t care.

Wanting to...
Right now a joint or a beer would look really good. When I escape and get high, I feel okay.

Angry (Father’s Abuse)
Modeling Mom’s dumb. No wonder he beats her up. She shrunk my sweater in the dryer. What the hell does she do all day?

Unprotected
Mommy knows Daddy is being a jerk. Why doesn’t she stand up to him? Is she waiting for him to beat the crap out of me again before she does anything?